The White Butterfly... Nov. 2, 2018 Blog #5

I am drawn to the beach, the sand caressing the arches of my feet,  the sun on my face, the fragrance in the wind, watching the waves roll in. I love the continuity yet diversity of the ocean. Each wave and each day different from the last yet always a wave rolls in. It is hypnotic and calming even in the violence of a storm. The Pacific at home is cold, crisp and exhilarating yet here in Mexico it is warm & always inviting.

Today I venture from Sayulita Beach~ what I have nicknamed “Umbrella Land” due to the densely packed umbrellas everyone has used to claim their little spot of beach real estate within the shade. Walking to the farthest southern end of the beach, past the Pangas ~blue & white fishing boats there is a short bank to navigate which leads to a trail. This trail takes you along the ocean, through the beautiful grounds of Villa Amor Hotel (the highest end Hotel I have now seen in Sayulita).

It is there I cross paths with a BIG solid White Butterfly. It seems to be dancing around my shoulders. I decide to stand still in hopes it chooses my shoulder as a soft spot to land. Passerbyers watch this butterfly continue to circle above me. As quickly as it appears it is gone and I continue my walk along the ocean path to the Land of the Dead~ the Sayulita Cemetery. Its energy becomes apparent~ there is a stillness, a feeling of respect, of magic for lack of a more descriptive word but that is what I feel, it is irrelevant of the festive Day of the Dead family celebrations taking place at individual grave sites. The graves are elaborate with heavy carved headstones ~family & friends of the dead have decorated with masses of brightly coloured flowers, offerings, photos, sweet breads and candles while gathering to remember and honour their lost ones. I want to explore further into the graveyard but remember I am but a tourist.

I continue on my way along the path which opens to Playa los Moertos (Beach of the Dead)~ I am on the lookout for my Firefighter friends I have arranged to meet there. It is a beautiful beach tucked in a small bay, calmer water & jagged bluffs and rocks to the right and to the left. I see my “new friends” and make my way over. Their group has grown in size~ there are new names to learn and I am welcomed to “pitch my blanket”. The group is from Colorado, a western U.S state. I am unfamiliar with their home & them with mine. I find myself describing our beautiful Comox Valley~ boasting of its temperate climate, affordability (Realtor Hat), ocean, mountains, culture and people. I am reminded how fortunate I am to call Vancouver Island my home. The afternoon is spent lounging in the sun, swimming in the ocean~ it’s calmer on this side, sipping on corona and conversation. They are a friendly, close knit group in their early 30’s my suspicion, some newlyweds and no kids in tow. I am reminded of that time in my life~ the phases life brings and I wonder what is next for me at 47?

The conversations become more personal as the afternoon unfolds. There is a general interest as to why I am travelling alone? That I am not married? What I do for work? Where is my daughter? Am I lonely? I find myself answering authentically without bias or hesitation to the best of what I know.

The reasons for this solo adventure evolved over the few short weeks I decided to do it. Initially, it was a knee jerk reaction to be honest. At home I was feeling “flat”,  my busy work schedule had calmed down (my choice), the weather was starting to turn (inevitable more rain & clouds) I was starting to feel nostalgic about past relationships and feeling the heaviness of single life. (my choice~ Single for 1 year to get Healthy~ Body, Mind & Soul. Until I could connect those dots within me I was in no position to bring someone else into the picture. I realized hurting someone in a relationship is equally painful as being hurt. I did not want to be vulnerable to that again on either side until my dots were in aligned. I gave myself a year. ( Does that make sense ?…)

My daughter was invited to join her Dads new fiancé to go to New York for 5 days. I’ve always loved that quirky term... fiancé ~ the smile it brings to all newly engaged women as they beam with pride & excitement for the future. They are there to visit a friend, a local model who knows the areas & is to be their tour guide and free accommodation. ~ Times Square, Broadway shows, Metro Museum, Gucci, Prada…this is to be a special bonding trip for these ladies.

Only 5 short years ago the thought of “that woman” remotely near MY daughter would cause pain so deep it brought me to my knees. In those years I suffered a lot, out of fear, looking at love as finite and defined only one way. The threat of losing my daughter, my family, my life. Being replaced was unbearable. Today there is nothing but acceptance, gratitude, respect and love towards this young woman and friend now marrying the man that is my oldest & dearest and father of our daughter. It is her patience and open heart that opened his heart again to love, embraces me in their life and loves our daughter full heartedly.

He proposed this Summer & a celebration to mark the occasion was held at my beach house~ dancing on the deck under the stars, making toasts with close family ‘their nearest and dearest’. I love this man...the type of love has changed ~ it’s the kind of love that begun over 30 years ago meeting at Brentwood College as fellow boarders. The friendship grew into more once in University. The person I was in my 20’s, 30’s even early 40’s is only a fragment memory of who I am today. Experience and life changes us… moulds us into someone new. Sometimes people grow together, share common dreams, goals, expectations, speak the same language of love. Others find themselves growing apart, incompatible, unhappy, restricted and no longer authentic to themselves or each other. That was to be our path. Divorce is hard~ hard on so many levels… hurting those we love and sometimes hate at the same time, the failure, the fear of the future, separating assets, friends and family… It can be UGLY and cruel or it can be compassionate, civilized, respectful in remembering both are hurting. No one goes into Marriage really believing they are destined to rip each other apart in a courthouse. We felt the pain but we chose the alternative. We had to continue to make that choice every day. It is this alternative way to Divorce that paved the way to the relationship we share today. Our daughter just has more love in her life.  

It warms my heart to know he has a second chapter for love and marriage. They are both complete people and share a healthy interdependent and accepting of each other relationship. It is that type of relationship that I one day aspire to have. My relationship with him has also changed~ I accept him fully~ as he is, with no expectation, no judgment. Just love. He is now my healthiest male relationship~ the irony in that!

My heart is not yet ready for the real thing… of the kind of love that requires full intimacy, vulnerability, full acceptance and trust. I still have emotional strings yet to sever to a past love. I wasn’t ready for him nor him for me… timing is sometimes everything. 

The Firefighters begin to pack up their beach blankets and return to their casa for a siesta before dinner. I am extended the invite to meet and I accept graciously. I decide to remain on the beach, take another swim and explore the jagged coastline to the South. It reminds me of the landscape of Tofino. There are Mexican children high up on the rocks squealing with delight waiting for the nest big wave to spray them with sea foam. I find myself a little nook within the rocks and stare out at the ocean. I am smiling. As fast as loneliness insidiously crept in yesterday it is a distant memory today. Connection is the key to loneliness~ it is having the courage and strength to reach out when loneliness pulls you in. I want to capture this moment in time, this feeling of connection, peace and beauty of this landscape. I reach for my camera and decide to try a selfie. Selfies are out of my comfort zone unless my horse or my retriever are the subject of the photo and I the background. I lay back into the rocks, smile and take a few. The sun is too bright to see if there is actually anything that has not “cut off my head” or has “my eyes closed”. My hair I can feel is a salty matted mess. Click, click, click… Photos taken. It is not that I lack confidence in taking photos of myself, I just value humility more. The “Selfie” to me is the epitome of boasting and vanity to the extreme. I realize in typing this that maybe I am being a little too extreme. Maybe it’s just a way of capturing a moment you want to remember or share when you are alone. I will work on more selfies… maybe….

The evening begins with dinner on the street side patio at Marys in the Plaza. Margaritas are ordered and mexican dishes begin to appear. I order a fish taco and it is delicious! The couple across from me order the prawns and fresh snapper which comes served sizzling head to fin. We make our way to a tequila bar that is at the end of the street from my casa~ another margarita is ordered. Next door is a hostel and a band is setting up. We grab a few tables out front. The music is eclectic and full of soul. These guys are talented! A local woman is pulled from the crowd (she is from Victoria) her rendition of Bill Withers~ Ain’t No Sunshine is FUCKING INCREDIBLE! The kind of music that puts the hairs on your arms at attention. I stand up not able to help myself to move to the music. I am in my element. I am SO HAPPY. I decide on that spot that I will be back~ Alone and with no hesitation. Music does that, it brings people together, you lose yourself in the moment.

One of the quieter firefighters sits behind me. I am told he has a passion for dancing~ one that takes him solo to bars to swing the ladies around. He grabs the hand of the gal (the one who I initially met while dining alone, who encouraged her table of fireman to pick up their large table to join my table for one). She is beautiful, vivacious and spirited, all 5 feet tall of her. Forest is THE most talented swing dancer I have ever seen~his form, his ability to direct her body into dips just mm from the cobblestones, spins and ending in the infamous Dirty Dancing leap into the air. They are a crowd success. The music then changes to more of a brazilian salsa and he grabs my hand. This is not his dance of training nor mine but regardless we embrace the challenge. It is invigorating. I love to dance. Always have~ I grew up dancing jazz, ballet and modern and today I have an eclectic style that keeps me busy for hours on any dance floor alone or sometimes oblivious to a partner.

I leave home to my casa before it gets too late. It is an early start for the Sailboat trip I have booked to Marietas Islands. As it turns out the firefighting crew will be on the same Sailboat. Another silver lining.

I climb into bed, overhead fan whirling above me and I think of the white butterfly. I decide to google the white butterfly and this description comes up…

In Chinese symbology, a white butterfly symbolized the soul of a departed love one. It also means angels are watching over you and that you are protected… It is said that when a white butterfly crosses your path or enters your home, it will bring you good luck and is a sign that you will have a good life.